I never thought that my life would take an unpredictable turn after March 23rd. I am happy, confused, sad, disturbed, worried, anxious......basically feeling every emotions at the same time.
I feel that I am on cloud nine whenever my baby smiles at me, babbles and express the desire to be with me.
I feel anxious when she cries due to colic pain, stuffed nose, hunger or sleep issues. I feel worried when she cries when she cannot see me for an hour....separation anxiety.
I am suffering from inferiority complex too. I am feeling that I am judged by basically everyone around me including the Nanny. What's a joke for them, becomes a serious issue for me. I have begun to hate the people when they joke even about my minuscule incapability..."Ohh! How she holds her baby when she feeds her or makes her sleep? She basically embrace like a bear. Won't the baby feel uncomfortable?"
Now, how am I supposed to hold a growing baby when I am a tiny person? What can I do if I am a shorty? What can I do if my hands tremble due to eight years of hypothyroidism?
I feel confused about my job status too. I have been told that I am going to work as a freelancer until some projects arrive to make me a full-time worthy employee. I badly need this job. I want my job to pay my baby's nanny, to pay for the books which I want to buy, to pay for the essential things my baby needs now, and also for the vacations we are planning to do with her. My job will be a big support for my husband too.
I started writing to bring myself at peace. I even wrote a few articles, but the thoughts which I need to pen down seem to have gone absconding. I am feeling worthless and hopeless.
How long am I going to slog like this? I simply can't bear to slog anymore. I feel a financial stability can drag me out from this mess, but, where can I find that? When shall I return to my mainstream life, for once and for all?
I feel that I am on cloud nine whenever my baby smiles at me, babbles and express the desire to be with me.
I feel anxious when she cries due to colic pain, stuffed nose, hunger or sleep issues. I feel worried when she cries when she cannot see me for an hour....separation anxiety.
I am suffering from inferiority complex too. I am feeling that I am judged by basically everyone around me including the Nanny. What's a joke for them, becomes a serious issue for me. I have begun to hate the people when they joke even about my minuscule incapability..."Ohh! How she holds her baby when she feeds her or makes her sleep? She basically embrace like a bear. Won't the baby feel uncomfortable?"
Now, how am I supposed to hold a growing baby when I am a tiny person? What can I do if I am a shorty? What can I do if my hands tremble due to eight years of hypothyroidism?
I feel confused about my job status too. I have been told that I am going to work as a freelancer until some projects arrive to make me a full-time worthy employee. I badly need this job. I want my job to pay my baby's nanny, to pay for the books which I want to buy, to pay for the essential things my baby needs now, and also for the vacations we are planning to do with her. My job will be a big support for my husband too.
I started writing to bring myself at peace. I even wrote a few articles, but the thoughts which I need to pen down seem to have gone absconding. I am feeling worthless and hopeless.
How long am I going to slog like this? I simply can't bear to slog anymore. I feel a financial stability can drag me out from this mess, but, where can I find that? When shall I return to my mainstream life, for once and for all?
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